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W. C. Fields in a clip from "It's a Gift."

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Contact Suzy Beal at advercite@yahoo.com

Disturbing Gift Gallery

Play Doh Drill N Fill Playset. Now you can torture your siblings and friends just like that sadistic dentist down at the mall.

Imagine the excitement at Passover when you give your little nephew this cute velveteen bag containing ten plush plagues of Egypt. Boils is sure to be a favorite. Picture links to the product.

Merry Christmas from Lucky Strike Cigarettes! Click on the nice lady to watch the commercial.

It's a guy-shaped pillow case that has one arm. You are supposed to cuddle with it. I tried it, but all I could think was, "Where is his other arm?"

Finally, the answer to the problem of sending dinner through the mail: Chinese Paper Roasted Meat. Intended to be burned as an offering to relatives in the afterlife, these can also double as attractive sachets for your lingerie drawer. $12.95 at Archie McPhee.

Are they saying to buy one for yourself or to use it on yourself?

Amazon actually carries two different Colonel Sanders records. It's hard to decide how to best share such treasures; the office Secret Santa gift swap comes to mind. Nobody has to know it only cost $6.44.

Click the picture to see the commercial for Milky the Cow, voted one of the top ten worst toys ever.

We still enoy Sarah Palin's folksy aphorisms, right? Simply give this lipstick-pink keychain a push and hear one of 13 different phrases from the former Alaska governor.

Okay you didn't like the guy-shaped pillow all that much. How about a more anthropomorphic lap-shaped cushion?

They sure don't sell as many toy guns to kids now compared to the good old days of schoolyard violence. Click on the picture to see the astonishing commercial for Mattel's Tommy Burst Gun.

Baby Laughs a Lot: The commercial that launched a million nightmares. Click on the picture to watch.

"She cries and cries. She'll cry for five minutes unless I stop her." Yes, it's another scary doll commercial (aren't they all?) Click picture to watch.

Will they ever stop inventing gross nose-themed products? Can this be the last we'll ever see of drippy-nose gifts? Methinks s'not.

Here's just the thing to help you through those excruciating weekly meetings with your manager. With the Happy Smile Trainer, you can force your face to look pleasantly interested, cheerful or obeisant by stuffing this rubber gadget into your mouth. For goths and supervisors, simply insert it upside down.

Picture links to a double-value DVD of animals and fish for your cat to watch while you're not home. Actually it's kind of interesting just as mindless entertainment for people. Throw it on during your next family gathering and see if anyone notices.

Oh, look. It's another funny pillow. And it's shaped like food. Oversized food, at that. You might need this. Click photo to order at Stupid.com.

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